A few months ago, when the editor of Cry Wolf entered our journalism classroom and blew me away with enthusiasm and grand ideas, I thought "This is exactly the kind of motivation I needed! I must be more proactive in choosing my career when I graduate"
Since then, I've tried to read more news, have more of an opinion on current affairs and to generally write more, even if its just emotional wafflings in my journal.
I decided to apply for work experience at Tindal Street Press in Birmginham, raved about by lecturers as the big dogs in publishing outside of London. I think this is mainly because most of my lecturers have been published by Tindal Street Press and trying to plug their own work while they're teaching.
Anyway I was rejected. Rejected. I dont think I have ever been rejected by something I really, really wanted before, I was devastated. I may have even cried a little bit.
It may sound a little bit arrogant but I'm 24 years old, I've worked in a variety of jobs, I very rarely get turned down for jobs and when I do its for jobs I didnt particuarly want in the first place. I've worked in management, I'm brilliant at interviews, my experience usually speaks for itself.
I thought in order to build a portfolio and gain experience in the industry, the first thing to do would be to get some valuable work experience in a reputable company. But it turns out, my application wasnt strong enough and I didn't show enough specific interest in the company or a particuarly literary strand. But...I dont know which literary strand I want to work in, thats why I want to do work experience, so I can learn about it from the inside.
I understand that being the only big publishers in the Midlands, they are overwhelmed with applications so they have to be selective but still doesnt make it any less disappointing.
I've written a couple of articles for Cry Wolf recently but the majority of people just arent aware of its existence, so I'm not sure whether I'm wasting my time or not.
On Friday I attended a Journalism lecture about Gonzo journalism which was fashioned by Hunter S. Thompson, author of 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.'
In all honesty the lecture just baffled me, I spent the whole 2 hours thinking of Gonzo from the muppets because the lecturer failed to give a definition of the term. Then she asked us to write a feature article in the style of Gonzo about two candidates in the Student Union elections.
Today I decided to go over my lecture notes and read some of my fellow students interpretations of the assignment to see if I had the right idea in mind and I was bowled over.
Jasmine and Sam were the only students so far to have posted their articles in the Journalism forum and they were both brilliant. Jasmine's was funny and insightful and she wasnt afraid to let her vulnerability shine through in her writing.
Sam's was also funny but in a more Middle-Class, intellectual way with references to politics and apparently well-known journalists who I've never heard of. Both were well contstructed, flowed well and got to the point.
They have put me to shame, I'm now doubting my abilities, my style, my talent (if I actually have any) and I thought "No wonder Tindal Street rejected me, I'm no good."
I don't know what I'm going to do now. Do I carry on writing at this mediocre, average level, always knowing that these are the people I'm going to have to cope with? Do I try harder and fail in the process? Should I simply resign myself to the fact that I will work at Asda, stacking shelves for the rest of my natural life?
My husband, much as I love him doesn't understand my problem. He rarely reads and when he does its usually a book about species of birds or plants or a gamekeeping/ shooting magazine. I wish I could talk to someone who could give me an answer, who could say "This is the job for you, you'll be brilliant at it so now just do XYZ and you'll be eternally happy with a decent amount of money."
