This is an original short story that I wrote as part of my coursework for a module last semester. This is the first story I have ever finished and I'm really proud of it. Its probably not too brilliant and could do with improving but its the first thing I've finished and received good feedback for. Please feel free to comment, I will not be offended by negative remarks, I relish in the critique!He sat in the hard, old armchair distractedly tapping his pencil on the wooden arm while staring at the television. The news was on but instead of taking notes as usual on the moral catastrophes in the world, Reverend Tobias Marks was contemplating his own dilemma.
The reverend had always thought of himself as a generally decent person. Even before he found God he had always tried to do good deeds; give his spare change to the charity tins in the town centre, buy the Big Issue at least once a week and volunteer occasionally to whichever summer fundraiser his mother convinced him was a good idea. The only vice he really had was smoking a cigar with his father at Christmas. On the whole, his moral compass always pointed north.
This is why he couldn’t understand the way he felt about what he did, the satisfaction fused with guilt and regret. He knew what he did was wrong and he knew that it was wrong to enjoy it. He never intended to do it the first time, it was an accident, but it made him feel exhilarated.
He stopped tapping and looked around the room. It was dark but homely and held many items of dilapidated furniture. He always felt like he had stepped back in time when he entered this room, as if he were walking into his grandmother’s house. The curtains were long, beige drapes with a green, red and orange floral pattern; it made him dizzy to look at them for too long. He supposed that was the intention of fabric patterns from the ‘60s, if you couldn’t get hold of a hallucinogenic, your mother’s curtains ought to do the trick. When he moved into the vicarage he didn’t have much furniture other than donations from relatives. His predecessor had passed away suddenly and being a widower with no children, many of his belongings were left behind.
As he slowly panned the room, his grey eyes rested on what he was trying to avoid- the empty fish bowl. It was a spherical glass bowl with a few pebbles and a green plastic plant sitting in the middle.
He sent a silent prayer to God begging for forgiveness and promising never to do it again, even though he knew he would.
Sweat began to bead on his forehead, his stomach churned and the muscles in his neck became tense. This was how he felt after the first time he killed a goldfish.
He had wandered into the Sunday school room looking for Mrs Jenkins and he hadn’t seen the fish lying on the carpet, gasping in its foreign environment. All he felt was the soft squish underfoot as he brought an end to the life of the helpless, flailing goldfish. Tobias lifted his foot and stared at what was left.
The emotions hit him like rounds from a machine gun; surprise, guilt, irritation and then something he hadn’t expected; Power.
Tobias’ entire body went rigid and lowered his foot back to the ground.
“Reverend what are you doing?!”
Tobias turned around suddenly hearing Mrs Jenkins voice which in hindsight was a mistake considering what was already stuck to his shoe.
‘I….err….had an accident’, he mumbled.
‘Oh my goodness! Has he jumped out again?!’
‘Again? It’s jumped out before?’
‘Yes several times unfortunately, the last time frightened the children terribly. He jumped and landed right in Jamie’s lap, the poor little mite didn’t quite know what to do and then all of a sudden Theresa starts screaming “SUICIDE, SUICIDE!!” Only the Lord knows where a 6 year old could have learnt the meaning of the word but I suppose she’s right.’
Tobias bit his lip to stop himself from laughing at the theatrical waving of her arms and he bowed his head to the floor. At that moment he caught sight of the goldfish’s remains squashed into the carpet. Guilt consumed him again. He began to quickly untie his shoelaces, pushing aside the cocktail of emotions being shaken inside him.
‘Well I suppose I had better clean this up and we should decide what to do next?’
‘What do you mean Reverend?’
He considered his words carefully,
‘Well without wanting to, shall we say, “Cover this up” I’m not sure we should tell the children what has happened. Perhaps it would be best to dispose of this mess and replace the goldfish, that way you avoid an awkward conversation with the children and they won’t be upset’ he prayed silently that she would agree.
She quivered at the thought of having to deal with twenty sobbing children. ‘Oh my! I’m not sure; I am usually in favour of honesty, but…. On this occasion maybe it would be best to replace him? Otherwise I wouldn’t even know where to begin!’
Her face was clouded with sadness as she looked at the goldfish remains, clutching hymn sheets to her frilly chest. Tobias hoped that he also appeared serious and remorseful whereas inside he was howling with laughter.
‘I’m just going to wash off my shoes and get to the Pet Shop before it closes’
He scurried off into the kitchenette and began scrubbing at the sole of his shoe, trying to swallow his laughter.
Tobias made his way to the Pet Shop being careful to miss the cracks in the pavement. He reached the small shop in record time; he wanted to get this over and done with as quickly as possible so that he could start pretending it had never happened. Behind the counter was a young woman reading a magazine. Her mousey hair was pulled into a long plait and rested on her shoulder and her glass bottle spectacles were perched on the end of her nose.
She looked up at Tobias who was lightly hopping from one foot to another waiting for her attention. She sighed with irritation, and lowered the magazine but didn’t stand up from her stool ‘May I help you?’
‘Yes! I need to buy a goldfish!’ he bellowed. The girl shot up from her stool, moved over to the giant fish tank and placed a small fish in a polythene bag.
‘Anything else?’ she passed him the bag and rang the sale through the till, keeping one eye on him. Tobias stopped fidgeting and looked at the giant fish tank with the schools of fish swimming round in circles.
In that moment, he stopped feeling guilty and nervous, his mind was suddenly very clear. His decision on what he would do next came to him like an epiphany.
‘I’ll take another fish please’ he selected a fish bowl and the paraphernalia to go with it. The thrill of his decision began to make him tingle. The girl looked at him over her glasses and packed all his purchases into a bag as quickly as she could. His wide crooked grin and twitchy eye were beginning to make her nervous.
The reverend half jogged, half walked back to the vicarage and avoided eye contact with everyone.
He burst through the front door of the vicarage and locked it behind him. He ran into the kitchen and set about filling the fish bowl. As the tap ran and the bowl filled with water, Tobias began to think about what he had done.
He had killed a fish and he had enjoyed it. But that's not the sort of thing he enjoyed. He enjoyed crossword puzzles, “Never mind the Buzzcocks” and eating a whole packet of Rolos to himself.
Maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault, like Mrs Jenkins said; the fish was trying to commit suicide anyway. All Tobias had done was put him out of his misery. So was it Euthanasia? Wasn’t he against that? He realised that the bowl had filled long ago and water was now just splashing onto his pale blue shirt.
He placed the bowl on the breakfast bar, poured inside the multi coloured pebbles and positioned and repositioned the plastic green plant in the centre of the bowl. He admired his handiwork for a moment and then introduced the fish to its new habitat. Tobias leaned forward and stared at the fish swimming round the bowl, it didn’t seem at all scared or sad to have left behind all its friends and family, it appeared quite content.
The rest of the day passed without much event. He took the other fish to the Sunday school room and placed it in the tank. He attended his appointments at the nursing home; he visited the WI meeting to listen to their fundraising ideas and returned home to eat beans on toast in front of the TV.
When he finished eating he went about his usual domestic chores; washing up, ironing, making the bed from that morning, and other menial tasks to keep his hands and mind busy.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the Sunday school fish; he was confused about how he had felt. He hadn’t felt excitement like that in a long time, it was the kind of excitement you feel as a child when you swing higher than you ever have before on the swings. It was the excitement that made you quiver from the inside out and made you feel sick but hungry at the same time. It was also the kind of excitement that died quickly like when you swing up so high, lose your grip and fall face first into the dirt. The kind of excitement that ends with a THUMP.
Tobias knew how to get that feeling back again and that knowledge made him tingle. He walked into the kitchen and filled a saucepan of water and placed it onto the gas stove waiting for the tiny bubbles to appear on the surface.
Once it had boiled he retrieved the goldfish from the bowl using a sieve.
The goldfish flapped and wriggled around gasping for air. Tobias held the sieve in a firm grip and stared at the fish, he felt such power over this tiny being. The fate of the fish was in his hands alone, he was the one that could decide what would happen to it.
Tobias dropped the fish in the saucepan and slammed the lid on the top. He felt nauseous and his neck became tense. He had done it! He had killed a goldfish….again.
His conscience began to creep up on him; the guilt filled his mouth and throat and gagged him. It was pressing down on all the excitement and tingles that had started in his belly.
He lifted the lid of the saucepan and looked at the fish that was still with wide unblinking eyes, now white, floating on the water.
He disposed of the evidence in a quick and methodical manner; he put on his marigolds and scooped the fish from the pan with the sieve and climbed the stair to the bathroom. He flushed the fish down the toilet and slammed down the toilet seat so that he wouldn’t see the bulging eyes. He returned to the kitchen and scrubbed the saucepan until it gleamed like new.
He took the fish bowl and set it upon the sideboard in the living room like a huge, unwanted Christmas gift.
Tobias sat in the armchair with clouded eyes. His fingers were tightly intertwined, heavy in his lap and his face was pale and unmoving.
The hands on the clock made full circle before he moved again and he decided to continue his evening as if nothing had happened. He switched on the 10 o’clock News and collected his notebook and pencil from the desk.
The next day before his mid-morning service he decided to take another trip to the Pet Shop and replace his victim, he didn’t know how this one would pan out but whether he killed it or let it live, he would at least feed this fish.
The same mousey haired girl was behind the counter; she looked over her glasses and was surprised to see the Reverend again.
He looked different to how he had yesterday; his eyes were heavy and dark instead of twitchy. His mouth was dropping at the corners instead of being set in the wide creepy grin. Not as sweaty either she thought.
‘May I help you Reverend?’
‘Yes I would like a goldfish please and some fish flakes’ he whispered.
‘Other fish not getting on are they? Need a mediator?’ she smirked.
Tobias lifted his head and looked at her properly, he realised she had served him yesterday and began to panic.
‘Ermm…. Err… yes something like that.’
He laughed nervously and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
The girl narrowed her eyes and laughed with him, ringing the sale through the till. She smiled politely and passed him his purchases.
Tobias paid and hurried out of the shop.
That evening, after he had sprinkled some flakes in to the fish bowl, Tobias settled in front of the TV with his notepad and pencil. He drew a chart for the days of the week and began to list his plans for each day.
He decided that tomorrow, being Sunday; he would have a day of rest once his service was over. He would visit his mother for lunch; listen to her WI gossip and then drop by his sister’s house and play with his niece and nephew. Then he would return home and settle in front of the TV.
On Monday, he would start again.
He made a list of what he would need to purchase; another saucepan, some bleach, a kitchen knife, polythene bags. He made a mental note to see if there was a hammer in the shed at the bottom of the garden. Tobias smiled to himself, he liked to be organised. And if he were organised and only killed fish in his spare time then it would be alright. He wouldn’t be defying God if he did it when he was off duty. Tobias reminded himself to not wear his dog collar when he returned to the Pet Shop on Monday.
